I talked to you all morning after I got engaged. You giggled at the details of the proposal, and were so excited about the wedding, which was still 7 months away. We talked about you finally meeting M, and getting the girls together again. You immediately appointed yourself as my bachelorette's party coordinator. You said you were coming to my wedding no matter what.
Except you never made it.
In the months leading up to my wedding, our texts were peppered with you complaining about your doctor's visit, "they gotta biopsy some lymph nodes", "getting platelet transfusion", "I don't want to take steroids!". I texted you when I landed in LAX on December 17th, complaining about the terminals. After a few exchanges, you broke the news: "Hon the doctor is not letting me fly. I need to start chemo treatment tomorrow." I told you not to worry about not making the wedding. Just come visit us in Texas. That was our last exchange. You passed away 5 days later in LA.
Now as my 1-year anniversary approaches, I can't help but miss you more. It was a confusing time this time last year. On one hand I was mourning your leaving us, but on the other hand, I was getting ready for my wedding. Everyone was congratulating me so I had to put up a happy face for them. On the morning of our engagement party which you were supposed to attend, M picked me up at home to find me a complete mess. I was just exhausted. I couldn't quite grasp that you were gone and I was tired of acting as if everything is all right. The emotions inside of me were polar opposites and they were pulling me apart. I somehow pulled myself together that morning and made it to and through my wedding in one piece. The only time I cried during the entire wedding was when I saw the picture of us on this very same futon I am sitting on right now.
Did you know that I didn't turn on my cell phone at all when we were honeymooning in Hawaii? I was afraid that you had texted me after I turned off my phone when I boarded the plane in LAX. It would've been too much to deal with. When I got back to Texas, I finally turned my phone on and waited for the buzz. It was silent. I felt relieved but there was an empty feeling in my heart. It wasn't until a week later when it hit me that you were really gone. Everyday I walked through the same hallway where I used to pace when gossiping over the phone with you about guys and scheme who we should play matchmakers for. I was there but you will never be on the other side of the phone. My phone used to buzz several times a day with texts from you: "just got up!", "gotta meet with prof", "need to marry a rich old guy", and we would text back-and-forth with the most random stuff. I had since canceled my text plan.
Dearest D, I miss you. Thank you for being my friend. I will always remember you.
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